Ernakulam to Alappuzha, 58.7 Kms, 1 Hour 26 Mins said
Google. 86 mins to cover just 58+ KMs? Google you are drunk I said to myself.
It was reinforced when I did about 32 odd KMs out of the stretch in about 30
minutes. Was Google really drunk? You bet!
 |
| Google! You drunk Mate? |
Once out of the Toll Roads, I reached what I thought was the
Moon. But I was wrong. I mean I don’t think moon has craters that are this
deep. Or have so many of them. Sorry Moon. You are passé! In fact I counted more craters per square inch
than are found in an average Medu Vadai!
The journey though was just warming up. The first thing that
struck me as I was negotiating to find the inches of road on this surface was a roadside
sign which said ‘Maximum Speed 15 KMPH’. I nearly choked of laughter and almost hit a
senior citizen uncle on a scooter who decided to stop bang in the middle of the
junction to ogle at some Malayalee beauties crossing the road.
The next 300 meters were covered without any major incident.
Unless you consider a man who poked his bicycle in front of my car just as I
saw an opportunity to step on the gas in his attempt to cross the road, getting
stuck in the attempt because of the passing of a heavily loaded truck on the
other side. That the cyclist decided to make full use of the inactivity he was
subjected to, actually tapped on my windshield to try and sell me a lottery
ticket was but a small example of our enterprising Malayalees trying to make an
honest living.
At the next, one among the million plus traffic signals on
NH66, an enthusiastic biker after negotiating the various minuscule openings
between the overwhelming traffic ended up standing next to me. One look at his
face, I could detect the smirk. “Haha, here I am on a 50K bike and stuck, and
here you are in a 500K Car and stuck!” If looks could kill, he was a goner the
instant I gave him my stare. To cut the story short, at yet another traffic
signal, I was placed next to a swanky BMW. If looks could kill, I was a goner
the instant the BMWer gave me a stare!
One unique feature of Keralites is that they are among the
most empowered people among us Indians. Not for them the rules that are made
for us mere mortals. So nothing stops them from taking the lane for the traffic
going in the opposite direction to beat the jam and postpone their tryst with
the snarl up by a few hundred meters. That the same is caused by people going
in the opposite direction resorting to the same tactics should not be
considered ironic but yet another proof of equally empowered Keralites,
direction no bar! Yours truly too took a chance on one occasion only to be
stopped by a friendly neighbourhood cop who left his chaya and kadi half consumed and pounced on me to issue a ticket. Empowerment
is I presume reserved only for Keralites. Kerala cops, if I may add in the
passing, have a special love reserved for cars which are registered in the Pakistani
state of Karnataka. (I will fail in my duties if I don’t mention this love is
mutual with the Karnataka Cops also reserving their special attention on cars
registered in Kerala on their roads. Welcome!)
However one must express compliments where due else you are
nothing but a mere nitpicker. There was a stretch where I did manage to touch
peak speeds. That the stretch was only about 82 meters long and the peak speed
I managed was about 43 KMPH should not derail my objectivity.
Finally I did reach Alappuzha. I found out. Google was
indeed drunk. I took a whole 210 minutes to cover a distance that Google said
will take 'only' 86. Go away Google. Meet me when you are sober!
Dear Keralites! Never ever ever ever defend your state when
anyone, especially me, takes up cudgels against you in an argument. Don’t you
dare!
If you throw your literacy rates at me, I will throw your
roads at you.
If you throw you public health care system at me, I will
throw your roads at you.
If you throw Mohanlal, Jesudas and Adoor Gopalakrishnan at
me, I will throw your roads at you.
If you throw P.T.Usha, M.D.Valsamma and Shiny Abraham at me,
I will throw your roads at you.
If you throw Onam Sadya, Paladapradhaman and Nendranga
Chipps at me, I will throw your roads at you.
If you throw Arya Vaidhyasala and Herbal Massage at me, I
will throw your roads at you.
If you throw Sabarimalai and Padmanabhaswamy Temple at me, I
will throw your roads at you.
If you throw Rubber, Tea and Spices at me, I will throw your
roads at you.
If you throw Malayala Manorama and Mathrubhumi at me, I will
throw your roads at you.
If you throw ‘God’s own country’ at me, I will throw the
Devil and your roads at you.
And if you in a moment of madness throw my wife at me, I
promise I will catch her, gently lay her down and then throw your roads at you.
(For those who came in late, My better half is a Malayalee.
Welcome!)
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PS: As things stand now, my car has threatened to leave me
once we go back to my hometown. She refuses to come home and insists would instead go straight
to her maika/porandha aam, into the
ever welcoming arms of the engineers at the Maruti Service Centre, to recoup
her vigour!
Glossary:
Medu Vadai
Chaya and Kadi :
Maika/Porandha Aam : The Brides’ parental home.
