I Quit!

Though I have not recorded the exact date but I think it would be around this time of the year I should have been celebrating my twenty fifth anniversary. Whoa! HOLD! Stop those congratulatory messages that you are drafting in your minds even as you read this. Because it is not my marriage anniversary that is under discussion here as you wrongly assume but the silver jubilee year of my smoking! Looking back I marvel at the perseverance with which I cultivated a habit out of something which started off so innocuously with my attempt to ape a far more successful  Anand, Dev in this case, nonchalantly singing ‘har fikr ko dhuaen main udatha chala gaya’ in an effort to impress the girls in college. Somewhere between blowing rings of smoke a La Pran in many a movie and as recorded elsewhere in these pages, a mega  failure in my efforts to  copy the ‘flip-to-the-lip’ of Superstar Rajnikanth, I was hooked! The girls meanwhile fell head over heels for Anand, Dev again much to my disappointment, despite my experiments with ‘kingsize’ and quietly walked out of my life.

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All my life since that momentous day, I decided that I will do my utmost to our Nations’s progress. And by jove haven’t I! From sales tax to excise duty to import duty to whatever cess, whichever surcharge, I have contributed to every one of these revenue streams, quite handsomely too, to make my country and its

economy stronger. To the extent that I and the others of my ilk are called the finance ministers’ best friends! I at times feel so proud that I might claim a halo of martyrdom as and when I kick the bucket due to cancer or otherwise. So huge I believe is mine and my fellow smokers’ contribution to the country’s exchequer!

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The devout will tell you that the toughest part after deciding to undertake the Pilgrimage to Sabarimalai is not the actual trek up a torturous mountain but the penance of 41 days preceding the yatra! Like any other penance this too is designed to prepare the devotee and enhances their endurance and ability to withstand the arduous trek from Pampa River to the Sannidhanam. And like all penances, abstinence is one of its key elements. Abstinence from sexual relationships, abstinence from liquor, abstinence from Rajasik palette and most importantly for me abstinence from smoking!

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As I moved along, the need to impress girls was soon replaced with a need to influence customers. That Purchase Manager who will sign the orders, the Chief Accountant who will sign the cheques, that Babu in the commercial taxes office  who will assess your books or the TTE who could allot an out of turn berth in a train. While the heads to impress and influence changed, so did the brand. The down market ‘filterless’ poison stick was upgraded to filter, double filter to kingsize filters. And much later ‘lights’, ‘milds’ and ‘ultra milds’ as I became ‘health conscious’!

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For a veritable chain smoker, the sudden dip in nicotine content in my blood stream was like being hit by a sledgehammer to say the least. Every smoker on the road, every paan shop assumed demonic proportions out to wean me away from the chosen path of abstinence. On many an occasion the feet would develop a life of their own and walk you to every potti kadai on the route. On many an occasion the hand would automatically reach out to borrow a stick from a smoker colleague. And on most days the mornings were spent in the washroom awaiting the pressure to build up without the assistance of nicotine! What helped me see through this torture was the fear of God and the love of devil! Fear of God punishing you for breaking his codes while observing penance and the overwhelming love to see devil busted in his attempt to lure me away from the path of probity!

If it was not the need to impress or influence, then it was the need to keep boredom away. Those lonely nights, spent alone, away from home, on work are a killer. “No! Not sticks! Gimme the whole packet!” Or it was the pressure of targets, targets and more targets, month in month out, day in day out! “Where is the goddamn lighter?” The high of a promotion or a deal cracked, low of an order lost or unimpressive increments. Whatever the scenario, the Cigarette was smoking me!

While staying away from smoking was tough during the penance, the period post the penance is what the womenfolk will call labour pain! With the love or fear or both of God removed from the equation and with the Devil glowing in his full splendor, the risk of relapsing and lighting up was quite severe and well within the realms of possibility. Without the above mentioned anchor, I tried giving myself excuses not to resume smoking. I conjured up the gruesome images of cancer patients, the devil threw dashing ‘Marlboro’ man at me. I imagined my family and children beseeching me to prevent the relapse into smoking, the Devil waving the ‘Target vs Achievement’ spreadsheet at me. I visualized my friends laughing derisively at my going back to the obnoxious habit to strengthen my determination; the Devil flashed my impending loooooong travel schedule at me. At the time of going to the press the duel is on between what I often quote, the irresistible force pitted against the immovable object! A fight to finish! And I hope and pray that your blessings, wishes, prayers are with me to ensure, sooner rather than later, I too can proudly proclaim “I QUIT!”

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PS: While I am at it, I have received a huge leg up from an unexpected source in my fight against lighting up! Arun Jaitley and his ‘world record’ increase in rate of excise duty on cigarettes in Budget 2014!!! Bravo!

Thank you @ashwin_nat for all the help and moral support!

Glossary:

‘har fikr ko dhuaen main udatha chala gaya’ : Classic Hindi film song. Lines mean “I blew all my worries in a puff of smoke” featured on Dev Anand.

Sannidhanam:  Sanctum Sanctorum

Rajasik: Rich Palatte which induces physical urges!

Babu : Clerk

Paan : Betel Leaf

Potti Kadai: Roadside kiosk selling tobacco products and other knick-knacks!

Gold, Smoke and Plastic Devotees!

The Coimbatore-Palakkad highway must one of these days find entry in  the Guinness Book of Records for being under widening  or 4- laning ever since………….err the Big Bang! It has been WiP since time immemorial. My oft repeated and lame attempt at comedy that while it takes 2 hours to drive this 40 kms odd distance by car, I could possibly do the same in 90 minutes in a brisk jog is still not past its sell-by-date! The shocking aspect of this roadway to Gods Own Country story is while work is underway albeit snail paced in the Kerala side of the border, it is in the Tamil Nadu side where it has ground to a standstill for obvious reasons unlike the general rule of it being the other way round. Kerala 1, Tamil Nadu 0!

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I am not heavily given to pilgrimage. I can count barely a handful among the plethora of religious/holy places in India that I have visited purely as a pilgrim. Among the more popular Temples (meaning richer temples) that I have visited are Tirupati, Vaishnao Devi and just recently, Sabarimalai. The last named ranks 4^th in hierarchy and bank balance among temples in India I am told, with Shiridi rounding off the list. (Till the assets recently discovered at Padmanabhaswamy Temple at Thiruvananthapuram are audited and published, this ranking will hold good. Post the audit the last named will jump straight to top slot if the rumored value of the treasures discovered is true).

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(For those who came in late, Sabarimalai Temple, the abode of Lord Ayyappa in Pathanamthitta district of Kerala, atop the Western Ghats is one of the holiest Hindu shrines in India. The temple is open for only 4 odd days during each of the eleven months of the Hindu calendar. The twelfth month is the ‘Peak season’ for the temple, generally around mid-Dec to Mid- Jan period when the temple is open every day and attracts millions of devotees) 

Sannidhanam!

I as a habit am not given to unnecessary outrage, a streak of chalta hain being predominant in my attitude towards many a thing in this country. However post my recent experiences at Sabarimalai, I will fail in my duties if I do not give a piece of my mind to the members of the Travancore Devaswom Board (TDB) which is the organization responsible to manage and maintain the temple affairs. And post my first hand experience as a visitor, during ‘non-peak’ season to boot, I am confident of being very objective in my assessment of the TDB’s performance. Read on!

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The first thing that hits you as you alight early in the morning on the banks of Pampa, the starting point of your ‘shortened’ trek up the Sabari Hills is the pressure of err…………..the call of nature! Once you manage to push back the pressure and manage a brisk walk for a few minutes, you will find yourself at the banks of the Pampa river and adjacent to a row of public ‘pay-n-use’ toilets. All pretty commendable till you enter one of them. I wouldn’t blame you if you felt that the toilets were built on the river rather than the banks. If the mounting pressure prods you to wade through the accumulated lake, you can then start the hunt for a bucket to fetch water and then try and deposit your ‘contribution’ with eyes firmly shut and nose tightly plugged!

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The other claim to fame of Sabarimalai is that it is situated within what is officially Periyar Tiger Reserve Forest, encompassing parts of Idukki and Pathanamthitta districts of Kerala. One of the enduring and highly revered pictures related to Sabarimalai is the one of Lord Ayyapan as the young Prince of Pandalam riding atop a Tiger as Manikanthan. While I was fortunate not to run into one, what did catch my attention was the notices placed in strategic locations on the trek which had the national animal of India beseeching us to love it just the way the Lord did! (A curious thought strikes me here. Did I fail to see tigers because they were avoiding the route taken by the most ferocious animals created by nature, Humans or is it because there are no tigers left in the designated tiger reserve?)

Ayyappa! Where is the 'Vaahanam'?

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However to give credit where it is due, halfway up the hill, one comes across a series of urinals at various spots right up until the Sannidhanam, the Temple premises. Kudos! (But a few signs along the way informing about their presence would have prevented the devotees from indulging in our favourite pastime of ‘watering the plants’ in the open!)

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Two example of a wonderful departure from the routine that comes to my mind are Tirupati and Munnar.  Among the other excellent arrangements that these two destinations have managed is to make the respective hills plastic free. An oasis in the otherwise gloomy scenario that confronts us at most tourist destinations in India. Sabarimalai is also a declared plastic free zone. As regards the effectiveness of the implementation………………………..behold the picture below!

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While many of the above mentioned issues may well be brushed under the excuse of ‘too many people, too little space’ (Money can’t be an excuse here) and all of them relate to the infrastructure or the lack of it, what take this to blasphemous levels is when you see the Temple employees indulging in smoking! Inside the temple premises!! Right under the ‘No Smoking’ signboards!! Swamy Sharanam!! Herewith hoping Arun Jaitley is much more severe come the next budget!

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Dear TDB! Must you take the ‘Kallum mullum kalukku meththai’ so seriously? Or else please explain your deed of throwing concrete and stone chips all along the route so randomly and which are so effective in not living up to the chant that even mother nature would have been more sympathetic and less punishing to our feet!

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If the TDB thinks that this is nothing but an exercise in nitpicking, let me assure them it is not. While conceding the thankless job they have of managing crowds often numbering a couple of lakhs in a few hundred square meters area, I think the Devaswom Board should immediately take a trip of Tirupati, a study-cum-pilgrimage, to understand how to manage not only the crowd but also the attendant facilities to ensure safe, hygienic, peaceful stay and darshan at the holy places. TDB should remember, unlike Sabarimalai, Tirupati temple is open 365 days and almost 24*7. The Tirumala Hills is a few hundred square meters too. And attract numbers which would be at par with Sabarimalai’s if not more..............daily!

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Time I gave TDB a break and picked up gauntlets against that industry which is supposedly the epitome of India Shining. Sorry all you so called world class telephony companies. Your network in Sabarimalai is well…………………………..absent! The network that follows me in Sannidhanam when I am there next can be assured of my patronage!

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You will not be able to miss a gold plated plaque at the beginning of trek route which grandly informs us that the gold plating of the vimanam of the Ayyappan Sannidanam is courtesy a certain Vijay Mallya. To refresh your memory, he is the same dude whose company has singlehandedly contributed Rs.4052.00 Crores to the Non-Performing-Assets count of various Indian banks. However to be fair to him, I think the contribution to Sabarimalai's kitty is likely to have been made much before he stopped paying salaries to many of his employees!

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PS: There is more to Sabarimalai than just what is written here. Maybe one day!!!!

Glossary:

Chalta Hain: ‘Its Okay’ culture!

Swamy Sharanam: Chant meaning I surrender at your feet.

Kallum Mullum Kalukku Meddai: Popular chant while trekking. Literal: Stones and thorns are like beds. Figurative:  By your grace even the Stones and thorns massage my feet like soft beds.

Vimanam: Roof above the sanctum sanctorum

Vaahanam: Mount of the lord

Story of a 'Madrasi'!

Prologue:

I wrote this originally in Hindi thinking that if an article which in principle disagrees with the recent note from the Government of India to ensure primacy of Hindi as a language of governance were in Hindi, it would be quite cheeky and in principle, apt. Those who missed it may check here!  However many friends, especially Mr. Husain Sadar of Canada suggested that if the same may be translated and posted, it would be useful for people who cannot read/write Hindi but are equally interested in this issue. So here goes! Thank you Mr.Sadar.

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A few words about me to start with! My mother tongue is Tamil and despite this, I am not a foreigner. I am an Indian and possibly as much an Indian as you, whose mother tongue is Hindi. If you are confused with my above statements, I don’t blame you as this discussion leaves me in such a state too. You would have noticed it often and this was making headlines recently too that Hindi language should be given primacy in all government work. You would have also noted various views expressed on this subject, some in its favour and some otherwise, some in civil words and some…………………sigh!

Our history is witness to the importance Language or Languages have in our society. From Linguistic based reorganization of states to pro and anti-language agitations, we have seen all. People have sacrificed their lives on this issue and from the looks of it would seems that they are quite willing to sacrifice as well as take a few lives too. This is reason enough to ensure that whenever we have a debate on such issues, we do it sanely and objectively sans emotions. “Unity in diversity” is one mantra which is taught right from our primary schools the way a mother would feed her new born. Our Constitution is primarily based on celebrating this diversity. Among the various instances of diversity in this country, Language possibly takes the first and most important position. They say, in India “कोस कोस पर पानी बदले, चार कोस पे वाणी", meaning  “Taste of water changes every mile, and the language every four”! In such a social cauldron, it is imperative that any decision which can jeopardize the plurality of our society should not be taken with narrow political gains in mind.

It has often been said of people like me especially by the folks up in the northern part of India that we ‘Madrasis’ don’t know Hindi and we take special pride in being ‘Anti-Hindi!’. “’Madrasi’ doesn’t know Hindi, has no enthusiasm to learn it too, should someone be interested they wouldn’t permit it, even if he knows Hindi he would deliberately feign ignorance of it!” I am sure most of you would have used the above lines or heard the same being said some time or the other in life. I for one am tired of it! Very very discriminatory indeed! I mean have you ever heard a ‘Madrasi’ on reaching Delhi complain, “This ‘Hindiwala’ doesn’t know Tamil, Doesn’t want to learn Malayalam either, If someone wants to learn Telugu he is discouraged, even if he knows Kannada he would deliberately feign ignorance of it!” (My dear countrymen: Did you just notice the diversity that exists even within what you think is a homogeneous ‘Madrasi’? Welcome!) And this is not restricted to ‘Madrasi’ alone. My other friends who subscribes to Bengali, Oriya, Ahomiya, Gujrati, Marathi etc as their mother tongue are feeling the same way!

I am not only a South Indian whose mother tongue is not Hindi but I also reside in South India where the usage of Hindi is not very popular. The primacy of Tamil in Tamilnadu or Marathi in Maharashtra is after all expected and should be so too. Despite this handicap, today my children study Hindi in their school. Do you know why? Because it is a voluntary decision and not because Hindi is being imposed on us. Our belief is  we will anyway end up learning our mother tongue/regional language, with the International language English being mandatory, knowing Hindi opens up for us opportunities in those parts of the country where this language dominates! In short for economic gains and opportunity, not for any special love that we have for Hindi. While you keep debating emotional appeal of Hindi, we ‘Madrasis’ are already learning the language and it is but a matter of time when we will swarm all over the Hindi heartland. The moot question my friends though is when will you learn ‘Madrasi’!

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PS:

Q: Do you know which institution has rendered yeoman service to popularize Hindi in Tamilnadu?

A: ………………………………………………………Bollywood!

Madrasi: An term used to describe South Indians. The present day South India was one administrative unit called Madras Presidency during the days of British Raj in India!

Thank you @atiyaz for "कोस कोस पर पानी बदले, चार कोस पे वाणी"!

एक 'मद्रासी' की कहानी!

सबसे पहले कुछ अपने बारे में! कृपया आश्चर्य न करें पर मेरी मातृ भाषा तमिल हैं और मैं कोई विदेशी नहीं हूँ! में भी भारतीय हूँ और उतना ही भारतीय जितना की आप, जिनकी मातृ भाषा हिंदी हैं|  अगर आप  मेरे इन शब्दों से परेशान हैं अथवा मेरे वाक्य आपको समझ नहीं आ रहें हैं तो जान लीजिये की आपकी अवस्था भी बिलकुल मेरी ही तरह हैं! आपने अक्सर देखा और पढ़ा होगा और यह हाल फिलाल में सुर्खियां भी बानी की इस देश में हिंदी भाषा को सरकारी कार्यों में प्राथमिक्ता  देनी चाहिए| इस विशय पर अनेक टिप्पणियां भी आई, कुछ इस विषय के पक्ष में और कुछ इसके विपक्ष में, कुछ सभ्य शब्दों में और कुछ...................................खैर छोड़िये!

इतिहास गवाह हैं की इस देश में भाषा और भाषाओँ का बहुत महत्व हैं| भाषा के आधार पर राज्यों के विभाजन से ले कर भाषाओँ के पक्ष में एवं  भाषाओँ के ज़बरदस्ती थोपने के खिलाफ आंदोलन तक, हमने सब देखा हैं| लोगों ने इस मुद्दे पर अपनी जान तक कुर्बान की हैं और शायद आज भी लोग इस मुद्दे पर जान देने और जान लेने के काबिल हैं| यह एक वजह काफी हैं के हम जब भी इस विशय पर कोई भी चर्चा करें तो तनिक सावधानी और ठन्डे दिमाग से करें| "अनेकता में एकता" एक ऐसा मंत्र हैं जिसे  देश के पाठशालाओं में बच्चों को इस तरह सिखाया जाता हैं जैसे कोई माँ अपने बच्चे को उसके जन्म पर अपना दूध पिला रही हो! हमारा संविधान भी देश के इसी मूल मंत्र पर आधारित हैं| इस देश के अनेक किस्म के भिन्नताओं में भाषा की एहमियत शायद सर्वोपरि हैं| कहते हैं इस देश के "कोस कोस पर पानी बदले, चार कोस पे वाणी"! इस स्तिथि में अनिवार्य हैं की हर वह निर्णय जिस से हमारे विविधता पर कोई आंच आ सके, उनका प्रयोग मात्र भावनाओं में डूब कर या राजनितिक फायदों के लिए न लियें जायें| 

मेरा भा.......षा महान!

यह अक्सर कहा जाता हैं मेरे जैसों के बारे में, खासकर उत्तर भारत के प्रांतों में की हम 'मद्रासी' हिंदी नहीं जानते और हम 'मद्रासियों' में हिंदी के खिलाफ विशेष लगाव हैं! "'मद्रासी' हिंदी नहीं जानता, कोई हिंदी सीखना भी नहीं चाहता, कोई हिंदी सीखना भी चाहे तो उन्हें सिखाया नहीं जाता, हिंदी जानता भी हो तो जान बूझकर हिंदी का प्रयोग नहीं करता!" मुझे यकीन हैं के आप सब ने इन शब्दों का प्रयोग कभी न कभी किया होगा या करते हुए सुना होगा! मैं तो इन शब्दों को सुन सुन कर थक गया हूँ| बहुत नाइंसाफी हैं यह! क्या आपने कभी किसी 'मद्रासी' को दिल्ली आकर यह कहते सुना हैं की "यह 'हिंदीवाला' तमिल नहीं जानता, मलयालम सीखना भी नहीं चाहता, तेलुगु सीखना चाहे तो कोई सिखाता नहीं हैं, कन्नड़ा जानता भी हो तो जान बूझकर उसका प्रयोग नहीं करता!" (मेरे अज़ीज़ हमवतनों: देखा आपने? हम 'मद्रासियों' में ही कितनी विविधता हैं? वेलकम!) और यह सिर्फ 'मद्रासियों' तक ही सीमित नहीं. मेरे मित्रगण जो बांग्ला, ओड़िया,अहोमिया,गुजरती,मराठी, कोंकणी इत्यादि इत्यादि भाषी हैं, शायद वह भी इस वक़्त ऐसा ही सोच रहें होंगे!

अनेकता में एकता!

मैं न केवल एक दक्षिण भारतीय हूँ जिसकी मातृ भाषा हिंदी नहीं हैं बल्कि में रहता भी दक्षिण भारत में हूँ जहाँ हिंदी भाषा का प्रयोग ज़्यादा नहीं हैं| तमिलनाडु में तमिल का या महाराष्ट्र में मराठी का उपयोग ज़्यादा होना तो स्वाभाविक सी बात हैं, होनी भी चाहिए. इसके बावजूद मेरे दोनों बच्चे आज अपने विध्यालय में  हिंदी भाषा सीख रहें हैं. जानते हैं क्यों? क्योंकि हम पर हिंदी पढ़ने की कोई ज़बरदस्ती नहीं हैं. हमारा मानना हैं की हमारी प्रांतीय एवं मातृ भाषा तो हम सीख ही लेंगे, अंतराष्ट्रीय भाषा  अंग्रेजी तो अनिवार्य हैं, हिंदी सीखने से हमें देश के अन्य प्रांतों में भी काम करने का अवसर मिल सकता हैं. अर्थार्थ कोई नेकी या हिंदी पर कोई विशेष प्रेम नहीं बल्कि सीधे सीधे स्वार्थ, आर्थिक लाभ उठाने का स्वार्थ. आप हमें क्या हिंदी सिखाएंगे जनाब! हम तो वैसे हे सीख रहें हैं और दिल्ली पर भी धावा बोल ही देंगे एक न एक दिन. पर आप कब 'मद्रासी' सीखोगे बंधू?

Should you not know how to read Hindi, here is the English translation. Welcome!

 

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प्र: जानते हैं तमिलनाडु में हिंदी को फैलाने का कार्य सबसे ज्यादा किस संस्था ने किया हैं?

उ: .............................................बॉलीवुड ने!

शुक्रियां अतिया ज़ैदी जी @atiyaz -à "कोस कोस पर पानी बदले, चार कोस पे वाणी"! के लिए

एवं

atiya zaidi @atiyaz · Jun 20

Which Hindi r we talking about? Bhojpuri?Awadhi?Maithli? Chhatisgarhi?Haryanvi?Dakkani? Pahadi?Maghai?Rajasthani? Khari Boli?Bambaiya?..1/3

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