Slurrrp of an Invention!

Necessity is the mother of all inventions. Thus spake a wise man, not me! (Then why did so many unnecessary things get invented spake another wise man, not me again, but we will let it pass!)

Vinayagar, Ganapathi, Ganesh

The Story began on a Vinayagar Chaturthi day eons ago. As the Thoranam were tied, Maavelai adornded the doors, the shouts of ‘Ganapati Bappa Morya’ rang the air, the fruits, thengai, vetthalai-paakku were bought and ready, the welcome ceremony of the remover of all obstacles, the Elephant Headed Vinayagar was still incomplete. It patiently awaited the arrival of that one item in the menu which is supposedly the favourite of Ganpati. There can be never a Sri Ganesh of Sri Ganesh without kozhukkattai spake a wise man, me too among many others. (Kozhukkattai. Dear North Indians: Don’t please do to Kozhukkattai what you did to Azhagiri or Kanimozhi or Tamizh. Kindly don’t massacre it by calling it कोज़्हुककट्टई, खोयाकट्टाई, कोईकट्टा! The closest I can permit you is कोयाकट्टाई. Else please stick to Modak which is the ‘naarth Indian’ equivalent of it. Welcome!)

 

Kozhukkattai/Modak

Kozhakkattai is essentially Coconut+Jaggery mixed together, placed inside a rice cake and steam cooked. @Sporty_Baba informs me that some friend of his called Kozhakkattai/Modak a meetha momos. However sacrilegious he, and me might have found it, I think the description is fairly spot on! But then I digress.

The star of the story, (Your mother, wife or Jiggs Kalra or whoever started making Kozhukkattais) came to a major hitch. It was invariably found that the stuffing called pooran/pooranam and the rice dough were never made in the right balance. Either of it was more in quantity. The frequent remaking of either the dough or the pooranam was proving to be futile in balancing the quantity. The Lady in question came out with a way around the difficulty. Once the pooranam was over, she came up with another pooranam which was salty, dhal and salt replacing jaggery in the concoction. And Uppu Kozhukkatai was born to give Vellam Kozhukkattai company. (It is not known whether Ganapathiji liked this too as no reference was found in the shastras but given that he was the world’s first foodie, we can assume, he liked this development too.)

If you thought that aal izz well from this point onwards, read on. The problem only increased manifold. In the earlier case one had a mismatch of pooranam and maavu, it now graduated to mismatch of two types of pooranam and maavu! Back to square one you ask? No! The by now wiser lady didn’t fall for the ring-around-the-rosy routine. Instead she rolled the left over maavu into small balls, fried it over a medium glow along with seasoning. LO AND BEHOLD! The new marvel! Ammini Kozhukkattai! The often ignored and taken for granted delicacy. Making innovation work for you. The necessity giving way to another mighty invention! We have, yet again no clue if Vinayagar liked this newest addition to the Kozhukkattai family, but given the fact that he was the world’s first foodie, we are sure he likes it. As does my junior; nay he loves it. As do I. And as will you. So will @sporty_baba when he tastes it. Sooner hopefully that later!

 

Ammini!!!!!

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PS: Just said Happy birthday to Krishna (Uppu Seedai, Vella Seedai, Murukku, Thenkozhal, Adirasam, Puttu and Payasam. Just said Happy Birthday Vinayagar with Kozhukkattais of the above mentioned variety. Next up is Onam, when we welcome Mahabali with sadhya and Paladapradhaman. Then Navratri. Then Dipawali. As a wise man, me, once said, the path to nirvana is through the stomach!

Glossary:

Pooranam : Stuffing inside Kozhukkattai

Uppu : Salt

Maavu : Dough

Vellam : Jaggery

Meetha : Sweet

Shastras : Hindu Holy scriptures

Sri Ganesh : Also a euphemism for auspicious beginning! 

Maavilai Thoranam:

Thengai : Coconut
Vettahalai-Pakku : Betel Leaf and nuts

NH66 – Ernakulam to Alappuzha

Ernakulam to Alappuzha, 58.7 Kms, 1 Hour 26 Mins said Google. 86 mins to cover just 58+ KMs? Google you are drunk I said to myself. It was reinforced when I did about 32 odd KMs out of the stretch in about 30 minutes. Was Google really drunk? You bet!

Google! You drunk Mate?

Once out of the Toll Roads, I reached what I thought was the Moon. But I was wrong. I mean I don’t think moon has craters that are this deep. Or have so many of them. Sorry Moon. You are passé!  In fact I counted more craters per square inch than are found in an average Medu Vadai!

The journey though was just warming up. The first thing that struck me as I was negotiating to find the inches of road on this surface was a roadside sign which said ‘Maximum Speed 15 KMPH’. I nearly choked of laughter and almost hit a senior citizen uncle on a scooter who decided to stop bang in the middle of the junction to ogle at some Malayalee beauties crossing the road. 

The next 300 meters were covered without any major incident. Unless you consider a man who poked his bicycle in front of my car just as I saw an opportunity to step on the gas in his attempt to cross the road, getting stuck in the attempt because of  the passing of a heavily loaded truck on the other side. That the cyclist decided to make full use of the inactivity he was subjected to, actually tapped on my windshield to try and sell me a lottery ticket was but a small example of our enterprising Malayalees trying to make an honest living.

At the next, one among the million plus traffic signals on NH66, an enthusiastic biker after negotiating the various minuscule openings between the overwhelming traffic ended up standing next to me. One look at his face, I could detect the smirk. “Haha, here I am on a 50K bike and stuck, and here you are in a 500K Car and stuck!” If looks could kill, he was a goner the instant I gave him my stare. To cut the story short, at yet another traffic signal, I was placed next to a swanky BMW. If looks could kill, I was a goner the instant the BMWer gave me a stare!

One unique feature of Keralites is that they are among the most empowered people among us Indians. Not for them the rules that are made for us mere mortals. So nothing stops them from taking the lane for the traffic going in the opposite direction to beat the jam and postpone their tryst with the snarl up by a few hundred meters. That the same is caused by people going in the opposite direction resorting to the same tactics should not be considered ironic but yet another proof of equally empowered Keralites, direction no bar! Yours truly too took a chance on one occasion only to be stopped by a friendly neighbourhood cop who left his chaya and kadi half consumed and pounced on me to issue a ticket. Empowerment is I presume reserved only for Keralites. Kerala cops, if I may add in the passing, have a special love reserved for cars which are registered in the Pakistani state of Karnataka. (I will fail in my duties if I don’t mention this love is mutual with the Karnataka Cops also reserving their special attention on cars registered in Kerala on their roads. Welcome!)

However one must express compliments where due else you are nothing but a mere nitpicker. There was a stretch where I did manage to touch peak speeds. That the stretch was only about 82 meters long and the peak speed I managed was about 43 KMPH should not derail my objectivity.

Finally I did reach Alappuzha. I found out. Google was indeed drunk. I took a whole 210 minutes to cover a distance that Google said will take 'only' 86. Go away Google. Meet me when you are sober!

Dear Keralites! Never ever ever ever defend your state when anyone, especially me, takes up cudgels against you in an argument. Don’t you dare!

If you throw your literacy rates at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw you public health care system at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Mohanlal, Jesudas and Adoor Gopalakrishnan at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw P.T.Usha, M.D.Valsamma and Shiny Abraham at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Onam Sadya, Paladapradhaman and Nendranga Chipps at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Arya Vaidhyasala and Herbal Massage at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Sabarimalai and Padmanabhaswamy Temple at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Rubber, Tea and Spices at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw Malayala Manorama and Mathrubhumi at me, I will throw your roads at you.

If you throw ‘God’s own country’ at me, I will throw the Devil and your roads at you.

And if you in a moment of madness throw my wife at me, I promise I will catch her, gently lay her down and then throw your roads at you.

(For those who came in late, My better half is a Malayalee. Welcome!)

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PS: As things stand now, my car has threatened to leave me once we go back to my hometown. She refuses to come home and insists would instead go straight to her maika/porandha aam, into the ever welcoming arms of the engineers at the Maruti Service Centre, to recoup her vigour!

Glossary:

Medu Vadai

Chaya and Kadi :

Maika/Porandha Aam : The Brides’ parental home.

Dear Shri Mohan Bhagwatji

Dear Mohan Bhagwatji.

Shashtanga Namaskar!

Recently I came across your statement made for the 294749028^th time. Indians should produce more children. Was it Indians or was it Hindus? I am not sure but reading between the lines, I feel once all Non-Hindus convert, then I presume they can produce more Hindus. Oru kallule rendu manga! Rather I should like a true Sanghi use Hindi instead and say Ek teer do nishan!

The statement has resulted in shrill and rather hollow protests from the modern day Jaichands who have denounced the same in no uncertain terms. Poor Sods! Uninformed and uneducated lot of JNUwadis! Hence through your good offices I would like to inform and educate the said people so that they too may see enlightenment and go forth and procreate!

They unlike me are missing the woods for the trees. Here we are after existing for over millennia and still China leads us in absolute numbers. How can we allow it any further? We must immediately embark on our national duty and defeat China in Population and achieve Numero Uno status. While it may seem rather difficult that we will beat China in terms of the size of their economy, over all development or in the Olympics Medals tally, at least in the foreseeable future, let us at least begin by beating them in population count!

The naysayers also miss the point that the children we produce will have ready and free access to world class educational facilities in Saraswati Shishu Mandirs! A sure shot route to dominate the world’s knowledge economy. Those who claim that we will breed generations of ‘Hindi Medium Types’ need to be told in no uncertain terms that Hindi is our Rashtra Bhasha and down with English and Imperialism. (For the last mentioned, we will have unequivocal support of the Jyoti Basu’s progeny, Welcome!)

Learn Rashtra Bhasha!

You will also provide free Roti Kapda aur Makaan needless to add. The Annadanam schemes in various temples I am sure will be extended to all temples and LO! Free food! As regards Kapda, our knickers or the soon to introduced ‘full pants’ should suffice amply. I was momentarily stuck as to what do we make the girls wear? I mean knickers and pants is against Bharatiya Sabhyata for our womenfolk. They daylight stuck. What is the point in giving birth to girl children in the first place when all they end up as is victims of ‘Love Jihad’ and an occasional Olympics medalists!  Makaan will be a slightly tougher issue to tackle. We would possibly have to make do with the Shakhas and Gaushalas, till we open enough of them to match the demand! 

Roti

Kapda

Makaan

A 'puny' medal and Love Jihad

I however have only one regret. Your offer has come too late for me. The Adarsh Liberal who delivered my second child in his misguided enthusiasm to promote Hum do hamare do went ahead and closed my baby making ‘factory’! Sigh! However I promise I will take your gyaan as part of the Teach the teacher programme and go forth and encourage Hindus to produce more babies!

Shashtaanga Namaskar again!

Bharat Mata Ki Jai!

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PS: Some people ask how will we produce more Hindu babies if we don’t have sufficient girl children? I think you would suggest a reverse ‘Love Jihad’. Love Yudh would be an apt brand name!

The "Cool Dude"

He was what the GeNext describes as a "cool dude"! To try and decipher what it actually means is quite an arduous  task. However I will attempt to do so from possibly describing the kind of person he was. Educated, with a fairly decent paying job, with interests in and enthusiasm for normal pastimes like movies, sports, hanging out with friends and girl friends, party hard, drink harder, generally dismissive of dogmas and selectively of religious rituals, opinionated yet accommodative, politically aware without being a follower. In short a 'normal' city bred English medium type in his early 30s! With a sense of optimism that resides in such people. Quite popular in his professional and social circles.

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There is that indescribably something about the air in India. Or is it the water? Whatever may be the case, the social milieu of India is such that more often than not, it breeds people of a type who are quite unique when compared to people of many a land. Is it the history of accommodation and acceptance over a millennia that this land has witnessed? Or is it the secular, plural and syncretic lives lived by our forefathers which have been passed on to the subsequent generations? That unexplainable thing called the 'Idea of India' or as the youngsters have a penchant to put it succinctly as "We are like that only"? Whatever it may be but being Indian defies any mundane definition and it doesn't conform to any stereotype under any standard operation manual.

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Just as it seemed that the good times are about to graduate into great times, disaster struck. The slowdown of the Indian economy hit hard, where it hurts the most. The wallet! First vide a freeze on increments, to reduction in pay packets, to temporary benching to a pink slip. Well so what? There is this sheer optimism of an Indian youth which is difficult to beat down. India after all was touted as the land of opportunities. Something or the other will knock the doors, sooner rather than the later was the primary narrative. Then reality struck. There were too many with pink slips floating around in the employers market for anybody's good. Too many CVs chasing too few jobs. And when a young blood refuses to compromise either on the job profile or be pragmatic enough to take a lower paycheck, virtually it is back to 70s Bollywood films with "No vacancy" boards. Post taking an enforced sabbatical, exhausting all options and cleaning out the savings account dry, it seemed the only option left was to take up that job offer in "gulf", a euphemism for the middle east. The "cool dude" took it!

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India meanwhile was in an upheaval. A right wing party came to power. Intolerance rose. The very "idea of India" was under threat. Headlines screamed. Television screamed louder. Secularism was under threat. India will soon become a "Hindu Pakistan" was the emerging narrative. Liberal voices were being crushed and minorities were on the verge of being reduced to second class citizen. Majoritarianism ran roughshod over the constitutional guarantees and doomsday prophecies were being readied that suggested the balkanization of India.

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He took up his job responsibilities. Toiled for his scheduled 8-10 hours a day. All alone, virtually friendless in an alien land, alien country, for succour he turned to..........to what? He couldn't dig out joints to party. The conventional types of parties. Not on his salary package. Co-workers were more of the same and beyond duty hours had no time for the "outsider". TV was tiring. Internet was heavily censored. Even phone lines were eavesdropped upon. Social Media watched. Those picnic spots were a bore without friends. And there were no temples. It did strike him odd later, much later as to why he was asked to remove the Ayyappa dollor along with the Rudrakshamala it was tied to during his immigration formalities. It struck him everyday, day after day that however much he tried or may have tried, he was the perennial outsider. His abilities, his skills didn't matter. None gave him an identity anymore. His hobbies, his knowledge, his attitude didn't matter. Beyond work, he was not a Salman Khan fan, he wasn't a Manchester United enthusiast, he wasn't a good social companion. He was no longer the "cool dude"! He was not even an Indian! 

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Meanwhile intolerance levels was peaking in India, as artists and authors returned their awards, as daily headlines brought out information on yet another ban on yet another film, book, person or cuisine while the other end of the spectrum called it a political ploy or outraged over hypocrisy. It was around this time that the "cool dude" decided to take his biannual vacation back to India. We all gathered enthusiastically to welcome him back. To renew our regular hangouts. Party hard. Paint the town red. The works! It was then that  we realized. The "cool dude" was no more. Instead the person who met us was a Hindu!

You are right. Intolerance has indeed peaked in India.


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PS: The "Cool Dude" 2 soon!


Glossary:

Dollor : Pendent
Rudhrakshamala :